Read: 1 Peter 3:1-7
*Because of the difficult nature of this text, this study guide will be lengthier than normal.
This is a difficult passage for modern ears. It is full of landmines for a culture that celebrates equality, freedom and rights. How do we even begin to decipher whether we can gain anything from what seems like such outdated teaching? Perhaps the best place to start is to recognize how Peter is applying the main theme of his whole letter to marriage. His main theme could be stated like this - the road to suffering is the path to glory. This is the message of the gospel and the pattern for the Christian life. In this text, Peter describes how all spouses who follow Jesus are called to a revolutionary role in their marriages. When spouses live in these roles, what feels like suffering and loss is what, in fact, brings resurrection life to our spouses and to the world (which is the main purpose of marriage according to the bible).
1) The Revolutionary Background
To understand what Peter is saying to wives and husbands here, first we need to understand why he felt he had to address/instruct spouses in these churches in the first place. This teaching on marriage is a part of a larger section that begins in 2:11 and extends to 3:22. This is the heart of the letter, where Peter is teaching Christians how they should live within the social structure and order of their culture (as citizens, household slaves, husbands/wives). It was necessary for him to directly address these things because the gospel was so different, so revolutionary, to their social structure that there was great potential for Christians to misunderstand how to live it out and even greater potential for Non-Christians to misunderstand and malign it as evil and harmful.
If we miss how revolutionary the message of the gospel was (and is today), we will read this as Peter simply endorsing traditional marital roles, when in fact he’s revolutionizing marriage in his day (and ours). The gospel Peter has been reminding them of (in 1:1-2:9) declares that by faith in Christ a person has a new position and status that is more real and true than any position or status they have in this world. No matter a person’s gender, marital status, race, citizenship, social status (slave or free), every Christian is chosen royalty, holy, chosen for an inheritance equal to all in the kingdom of Christ. There is only one true Lord and Authority - Jesus. This means a Christian is bound to no one and is not bound to any human authority or social order. This was an unheard-of revolutionary idea in the 1st century.
When it came to marriage at this time, wives were expected to obey their husband, were required to follow the religion of their husband and were expected to only be in social situations with their husband or with husband’s approval. For wives who became Christians, this meant these expectations had to be disobeyed as they were called to obey Jesus and his word, leave behind all other idols and religions and be baptized into a new family (the church). Imagine the tension this caused in marriages.
This is where the teaching of this text comes in. Peter needed to show both spouses that there are two “sides” to the revolutionary message of the gospel. Side 1 is “You are free people!”; Side 2 is “Use your freedom as a slave of God”. Side 1 is “You are equal to all in Christ”; Side 2 is “You are servant to all in Christ”. Can you see how the gospel is a revolutionary message to all social structures and orders?
To traditional cultures that emphasize order, roles – the gospel is a revolutionary message of freedom, equality. It challenges all inequalities & oppressive structures.
To modern cultures that emphasize freedom, equality – the gospel is a revolutionary message of service, submission. It challenges our demand for our rights, our personal freedom/choice, individualism.
2) The Radical Instructions
Now we are in a better position to understand a text that sounds so strange to us. Peter is not endorsing any specific cultural model for roles in a marriage, he’s describing how to live out the roles of wife and husband in light of the gospel. In these roles: 1) There is equality and freedom. Wives are addressed here in a way that was unheard of at the time. They are told to freely choose to submit (not to accept being passively subjugated). Husbands are told to honor their wives as a coheirs. 2) There is difference and harmony – The roles are not identical but harmonious. Husbands and wives are given a different set of instructions here and in all other in the NT when marriage roles are addressed. What are these different roles?
For Wives:
1) Choose to freely defer your needs and desires to uphold the needs and desires of your spouse. To submit is to choose to arrange oneself under another. This is a radical thing to ask someone to freely choose to do! Yet, Peter repeats this instruction for wives (3:1, 5). It’s important to remember that every Christian is called to submit in some way (see Eph. 5:20). In 1 Corinthians 15:28, we learn that Jesus, the Son of God, submits to the Father. This does not diminish his equality nor is it a sign of weakness. It is a part of his glory and strength.
2) Cultivate Inner Beauty. With so much pressure on women to find their value and worth in external appearance it is radical to call women to focus their best energy on cultivating inner beauty. The inner, hidden beauty of a spirit not ruled by fear or insecurity; not out to control or get one’s way is the kind of spirit (3:6) that can win someone over without even a word. This beauty compels and attracts people to find this kind of inner peace and strength in Jesus.
3) Cast off all fear. Peter tells wives not to be intimated, controlled or ruled by their husbands. This was radical for wives. They weren’t to be motivated by fear or by what anyone would think of them but were to follow these instructions by faith in Jesus.
What’s the goal of all this? The goal is to win their husbands to gospel obedience (3:2). This applies to husbands who are not Christians (Peter’s primary concern, see 3:1) and husbands who are Christians but who are not living in gospel obedience. This is the kind of influence a wife is called to have - to win their husbands to obedience to Christ.
For Husbands:
1) Live to know your wife. Peter’s instructions here could be translated, “live with your wife according to knowledge.” He is calling husbands to live in such as way that they know, understand and care for their wives’ needs and desires. He calls husbands to recognize the greater vulnerability of their wives (as physically and socially more vulnerable than their husbands).
2) Lift up your wife. A husband is called to use his strength to lift up his wife as his eternal coheir in the kingdom of Christ. This prohibits all domineering and control. Peter is saying, “Treat her as she truly is – your equal in Christ and the most valuable person in your world”.
What’s the goal of all this? The goal is an unhindered prayer life. This is more than private prayer. The husband’s goal is to move his marriage toward intimate communion with his wife so that together they can enjoy unhindered communion with God in prayer.
3) The Resources To Do This
Following such radical instructions takes more than instructions alone. We need to know where we can find the resources to do this. The bible spends very little time on marriage instructions. Instead, the bible spends most of its time on the resources to love – which must be accessed in order for a spouse to follow the instructions that are given. The resources to love like this are found in knowing and experiencing the gospel reality that we are loved like this to a far greater degree. As Peter says at the heart of this teaching on living in our roles (2:21-25), Jesus became weak and vulnerable so that he could be wounded for our healing. Jesus set aside his power, strength and rightful glory to became like a lamb to die, so he could bring back sheep who go astray. However low Jesus calls you to go as husband or as a wife, he went lower for you. Whatever Jesus asks of you in your role to serve, he has taken on this role, to win you to Him so nothing would hinder your loving communion with God. When husbands and wives know Jesus did this for them, they can find the resources to live the “Jesus role” given to them in marriage.
*IMPORTANT NOTE: This text - and others passages that speak of the submission of wives - have been used to condone domineering, controlling, demeaning treatment of women/wives. Even worse, these texts have been used to counsel women to remain in abusive relationships. To use these texts for any of these things is to twist and corrupt Scripture in the worst possible way. Nothing in this text should be seen or can be used to say that any woman is called to remain in an abusive marriage or relationship. In fact, everything in this text says the exact opposite - an abusive relationship is a violation of everything this passage says a marriage should be. IF that is where a woman finds herself, the bible says a woman should remove herself from the relationship and seek the help and protection from a safe and trusted community.
Discuss
1. What about the sermon impacted you most? What left you with questions? What concerns do you have when it comes to discussion of roles in marriage?
2. Why is it important for us to remember the revolutionary character of the gospel in order to understand Peter’s teaching on marriage here? Why is important that we remember there are two “sides” to this revolutionary message? Which “side” most challenges your thinking? How does this help you understand why it was so important for Peter to address roles in marriage? How does it help us apply this teaching today?
3. Is it hard for you to accept the bible’s teaching that relationship roles can have equality/freedom and difference/harmony at the same time? If so, why?
4. For wives/women: What about Peter’s instructions do you resonate with? What is hardest for you to embrace? What would change if the goal of your marriage was to win your husband to gospel obedience in the way Peter describes here? For husbands/men: What about Peter’s instructions to wives here would most win you over to deeper gospel obedience?
5. For husbands/men: What about Peter’s instructions do you resonate with? What is hardest for you to embrace? What would change if an “unhindered life of prayer” were the goal of your marriage? For wives/women: What about Peter’s instructions to husbands here would most lead you closer to God and to a life of prayer with your husband?
6. Though the bible differentiates the roles husbands and wives play, it never practically spells out “who does what”. Why is this? It was said in the sermon that this is a part of God’s wisdom since every culture and couple handles this differently. The idea is that if both spouses embrace their roles/instructions (and not focus their energy on demanding the other fulfill their role!), the details will work themselves out. How does this sit with you? If married, how do you work the practical details out?
7. How does knowing Jesus laid aside his right and strength to embrace roles of submissive servant and sacrificial lover give us the inner resources to take on our roles? How are these roles impossible without this?