Introduction: We have more access to information and knowledge than ever before, but we are more confused, conflicted, and divided than ever. What should we do? The book of Proverbs teaches us that wisdom is the missing piece of the puzzle, the lost treasure of our time. We must rediscover it, ourselves and as a church, if we are to stand firm in a world drowning in information but lacking in wisdom. This Fall, let’s come together to “get wisdom” and allow it to reorient our lives, our families, and our communities.
A Helpful Analogy | Relationships are like a house. We all know that every house requires regular maintenance and occasionally larger repairs. We might need to fix a lightbulb or a leaky faucet. Other times we may have to fix the plumbing, electricity, or (God forbid) the entire foundation! Similar to a house, relationships can require maintenance or repairs that range from simple to complex. If we ventured to explore our relationships, we are bound to find some in need of attention. Some might even require a renovation. Lest we become overwhelmed by taking these projects upon ourselves, we remember that God graciously gives wisdom to those who ask Him. There is hope for us because God gives us wisdom in the Proverbs for maintenance and repair in all kinds of relationships.
1. Get God’s Perspective on Conflict
Before we delve into any of our relationships, we need to begin with God’s perspective on conflict in the book of Proverbs. We can summarize it like this: conflict is inevitable. It can be potentially destructive or powerfully constructive. It can break relationships and do great harm, or it can build stronger relationships and build maturity in us. Wisdom makes all the difference. Let’s dig into some Proverbs.
Proverbs 20:3 - “Honor belongs to the person who ends a dispute, but any fool can get himself into a quarrel.”
Anyone can get into a conflict, but not everyone can end a conflict well. This proverb shows us that a person with the wisdom to end a conflict well deserves honor. It is tempting to think that we will protect our honor by winning the conflict, but wisdom is learning that there is more honor to resolving a conflict, even at our expense.
Proverbs 17:14 - “To start a conflict is to release a flood; stop the dispute before it breaks out.”
We all know that conflict is potentially destructive, but the image of a flood in this proverb drives home the gravity of the destruction. Not only can a flood destroy everything in its path, but once it starts, it cannot be controlled. We would do well to fix the leak before it becomes a flood!
Proverbs 16:7 - “When a person’s ways please the LORD, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”
Conflict can also be powerfully constructive. The person who walks in God’s wisdom can bring about peace in the midst of a conflict. Not only is peace is beneficial to the people involved in a conflict, but entire communities. The effect is to multiply one person whose ways please the Lord into many people who please the Lord.
If we look around in our world we might notice that so much of our discourse is designed to make enemies. We make other people into our enemies and then we try to convince others to intensify the conflict. However, in the Proverbs we can see that conflict is an opportunity to glorify God, serve people, and grow in wisdom. This is God’s perspective.
2. What Not to Conceal
Don’t conceal your part in the conflict.
Prov 15:31 - “One who listens to life-giving rebukes will be at home among the wise.”
Prov 28:13 - “The one who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy.”
Prov 29:1 - “He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing.”
These proverbs reveal a clear link between wisdom and openness to correction. Of course, we do not relish the opportunity to be corrected or rebuked, but the wise person can listen well and receive another’s words, even if they reveal our sins. The first step of relationship repair is not concealing our sins. The most common temptation in a conflict is to hide our part in the conflict. Sometimes even when we know we are wrong, we attempt to magnify the blame of the other person. This behavior will destroy our relationships and our own character if we do not confess and seek mercy.
Don’t conceal when we feel wronged/hurt by another person.
Prov 10:18 - “The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.”
Prov 24:26 - “He who gives an honest answer gives a kiss on the lips.”
Prov 15:1 - “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.”
These proverbs reveal that our honesty is compromised if we choose to hide when someone has truly wronged us. When we feel this way, it impacts the relationship and can be unloving to let it slide. Sometimes, to confront another knowing that it could wound is to display love. When we are honest, it allows the other person to express clarity and possibly confession, which is an opportunity for their growth. But honesty goes hand in hand with gentleness. It isn’t just about what we say, but how we say it.
3. What to Conceal
Conceal when you are not invested in the repair.
Prov 26:17 - “A person who is passing by and meddles in a quarrel that’s not his is like one who grabs a dog by the ears.”
One of the realities of the information age is that we are exposed to a lot of quarrels. Could you even count how many you see on news sites, social media comment sections, or personal posts? It is wise not to jump at the bit to get involved in every conflict, even if it is about something dear to us. Grabbing a dog by the ears would certainly lead to getting bitten. We are wise not to jump into a conflict without being sincerely invested in the peace of those affected by it. Ask yourself if you are responding to bring repair before you press enter.
Conceal when the offense can be patiently overlooked.
Prov 19:11 - “A person’s insight gives him patience, and his virtue is to overlook an offense.”
Prov 17:9 - “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.”
It is wise to reveal when we have been truly hurt in a conflict, but that does not mean addressing every offense against us. Wisdom knows when to overlook an offense that might not contribute to the repairing of a relationship. This involves not disclosing excessive details to others who are not invested in the relationship. Handling a conflict wisely means bringing people into the conflict who can help repair it.
4. How to Cover
Until now, Proverbs has revealed what seems like a very difficult path for the wise person. We are called to confess and not conceal our sins. We must confront others with the utmost honesty and gentleness. Sometimes that means overlooking when we have been wronged. How can this be possible?
Prov 10:12 - “Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses.”
It is only when we stop stirring up the conflict that we can perceive the next part. Conflicts are only truly repaired when offenses are covered. One commentator compares it to putting a wet blanket on a fire. So “cover” means to put out completely. The same Hebrew word is used in Psalm 32:1 - “Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.” When God sees us, he does not see our sins because they are covered. In Christ, our sins are absolutely and completely covered.
Of course, this does not mean we pretend the conflict never happened. In this way, covering looks like forgiveness. When we see a person we were in conflict with, do we still see what they owe us? Do we look at them and only see the cause of the conflict that still festers in our minds? A relationship is truly repaired when we see them and not their offense. Covering is love saying, “I’ll pay the cost.” It absorbs the pain, the hurt, and the debt caused by the conflict.
The wisdom we read in the Proverbs derives from God’s character displayed in redemptive history. The entire Bible describes how God repaired our broken relationship with Him. God handled our offenses by covering at a great cost to Himself. This is the wisdom embodied in Jesus Christ, our Savior, who reconciled the world to Himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. When we read the Proverbs, we are reading the wisdom of God for us, and it is for us in a way that we can use to bring repair to even our most difficult relationships.
Reflect or Discuss
What about this sermon most impacted you or left you with questions?
Can you describe some examples that illustrate the difference between regular maintenance and large repairs in your everyday relationships?
What elements of God’s perspective on conflict resonate with you? How can we come to see conflict as an opportunity? How is this most difficult for you?
How are you more tempted to conceal your part in a conflict that caused pain or someone else’s part that left you in pain?
What does it look like to show honesty and gentleness in confronting someone who has hurt us?
Have you recently engaged in a conflict you were not interested in repairing? Why is this so enticing? Was it worth the time an energy you put into it?
When is it acceptable to overlook an offense? Have you ever overlooked a grave offense toward you?
Can you remember a time that you intentionally stirred up a conflict? What were your motives at the time?
How can we find the strength to cover an offense? How does covering relate to love and forgiveness?
What does God’s willingness to cover your sins and repair our relationship with Him through Christ impact you personally? How should it influence the way you treat other relationships you have?
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