Wisdom for Friendship (October 31st, 2021)

The “Loneliness Epidemic”| Even before the pandemic, it was widely acknowledged that many in the U.S. had a loneliness problem. Approximately 50% of Gen X and Boomers and 70% of Millennials and Gen Z felt lonely on a regular basis, and there has been a steady decline in the number of people who say that they have even just one person who knows them well. Almost one-third claimed they had no one to count on. This is a troubling trend because loneliness can have disastrous effects on our physical and mental well-being. It is important to ask ourselves how we became like this, but it is even more important to consider what we can do about it? Thankfully, Proverbs has some wisdom for us to consider as we look forward. The theme of friendship permeates the Proverbs. We could even say that Proverbs speaks to the theme of friendship more than any other classical work.

1. The Rewards of Friendship

(1) Wisdom

• Prov 18:1 - “One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires; he rebels against all sound wisdom.”

What if we have been thinking about wisdom in the wrong way? Wisdom is not something we develop ourselves and then apply within our community like an application tacked onto a school exam. Instead, wisdom begins and ends with friendship. The beginning of this proverb reminds us that if we try to become wise on our own, we will usually pursue selfish desires. That might seem harsh, but it is even more apparent in our contemporary culture than we might be willing to admit. The second half of this proverb shows us that to live without friendship is to rebel against wisdom and the way God created us to live.

• Prov 13:20 - “The one who walks with the wise will become wise...”

There is a valuable reason that God said that “it is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18), and it is about more than marriage. Saint Augustine echoed this truth when he taught that two things are essential: life and friendship. This proverb illustrates that wisdom belongs to those “walking with” or closely related to the wise. There is nothing more critical to our growth in wisdom that we not only avoid trying to walk in wisdom alone but that we walk in wisdom with others.

(2) Wounds

• Prov 27:6 - “The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.”

It might surprise us to think that one of the great rewards of friendship is trustworthy wounds. Proverb 27:6 makes this point by reminding us of the opposite kind of person - an enemy who is always kissing up to you. The person who is always kissing up to you or flattering you is not interested in your ultimate good. Now before we think that it’s only the flatterer at fault, we need to take another look at ourselves. If you gravitate toward the kind of friend that constantly affirms you, agrees with you, and always says “you do you,” then you don’t want a friend. You want another you.

(3) Whetting

• Prov 27:17 - “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.”

Perhaps you have heard someone say that something “whets” their appetite. What they mean to say is that something sharpens or intensifies their appetite. Similarly, a “whetting” stone is a stone used to sharpen a blade. This is what Proverbs 27:17 means by “sharpening.” John Kitchen elaborates that “no person can be their best or reach the heights God intends for them without those blessed friends “who comfort, provoke, challenge, rebuke, chide, affirm, stimulate, encourage until their thinking is clear, their wisdom mature, their purpose refined, and their faculties sharp.” Without sharpening friendships, we become dull to the things that move us toward becoming what we are meant to become.

(4) With-ness

• Prov 17:17 - “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

• Prov 27:9 - “Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel.”

This proverb reminds us that a true friend loves us at all times and brings joy to our hearts. We are born into a family, and we certainly need them for life’s journey, but a friend chooses to be with you in many ways that can go beyond family. This kind of “with-ness” provides us something that self-counsel can never provide and something deeper than a family can share. Ruth and Naomi are a biblical example of “with-ness.” Ruth says to her, “Where you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live... where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me and do so severely if anything but death separates you and me” (Ruth 1:16-17).

2. The Risks of Friendship

Proverbs highlights the rewards of friendship like no other place in Scripture. You can stay alive without it, but you cannot truly live or become who God intends you to be without it. Proverbs also speaks to the “risks” of friendship – of seeking, cultivating something so valuable.

(1) It can be Deceiving

• Prov 20:6 - “Many a person proclaims his own loyalty, but who can find a trustworthy person?”

• Prov 19:6 - “Many seek a ruler's favor, and everyone is a friend of one who gives gifts.”

• Prov 17:9 - “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.”

These proverbs reveal collectively that “friendship” is not always easy to define or point out. You will encounter many people in your life that turn out not to be friends even though they display loyalty at times or give you gifts. The real test happens when the rubber meets the road in life’s difficulty. A true test of friendship is whether their loyalty is proven over time. When you share something with a friend, do they conceal it? When you suffer and have nothing to give, are they still there? Can you trust them with your deepest struggles? We don’t know until our friendships pass through such tests.

(2) They are Discovered not Forced

• Prov 25:17 - “Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house; otherwise, he'll get sick of you and hate you.”

• Prov 27:14 - “One who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be considered a curse to him.”

These Proverbs speak to people forcing friendship when it isn’t there. Friendships are discovered. C.S. Lewis helpfully observes that friendship is discovering that we “see the same truths and care about the same thing” as someone else. We don’t find friends by seeking friends, we find friends by seeking good and true things and discover others who “see what we do”; people who cause us to say, “What? I thought I was the only one!” Once discovered, friendship must be developed to yield the rewards Proverbs speaks about but they can’t be forced.

(3) All Friendships Disappoint

• Prov 14:10 - “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no outsider shares in its joy.”

• Prov 15:11 - “Sheol and Abaddon lie open before the Lord- how much more, human hearts.”

We can all think of times that we have been disappointed by a friend. Perhaps they weren’t there when you needed them, you felt burdened by constantly texting them to meet up, or time apart created an unwelcome drift. On a more personal level, maybe you shared something difficult and vulnerable that they did not understand or reciprocate. These proverbs remind us to have grace because our hearts are deep, and no one can exhaustively know us. We do well to consider that even friends, like us, can make mistakes. There are limits to and disappointments in even the best of friendships.

3. The Resource for Friendship

• Mt 11:9 - “The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Look, a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is vindicated by her deeds.”

So the rewards of friendship are great, but the risks of friendship are real and challenging. How can we keep at it when we are prone to isolate and remain in a comfortable circle. We need a powerful resource. Jesus shows us that wisdom at the heart of the gospel points us to true friendship from which we can draw strength to befriend others, even those who differ from us. Notice in this passage that Jesus does not refute the accusation that he is a friend of tax collectors and sinners, but he makes an interesting claim that “wisdom is vindicated by her deeds.” In other words, Jesus says, “watch what happens to the people I befriend!”

Jesus never gave up on people that the religious leaders of his time would have given up on almost immediately. Instead, Jesus embraced them, spent time with them, and walked alongside them despite their sin. But the wisdom of the gospel is this: when Jesus befriends a sinner, it changes the sinner! Of those tax collectors and sinners that reciprocated a friendship with Jesus, none of them went back to those same practices. These friends of Jesus were transformed because they were offered something valuable and authentic. Their testimony became a reference point in which Jesus changed their lives and from which they would change the world.

4. The Real Possibility of Friendship

• Prov 18:24 - “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

• Jn 15:13-14 - “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.”

The wisdom of Proverbs about friendship finds its fulfillment in Jesus. The possibility of friendship comes from the fact that we have a friend who “sticks closer” than anyone else. It doesn’t matter if we have many “companions” because, without a true friend in Jesus, we will never become true friends to others in the way God designed us. Consider the example of Jesus, who not only spent time with sinners and tax collectors but died for them. To lay down your life for a family member is natural and instinctual, but to lay down your life for a friend is a choice. Even though we have been the worst possible friends to Jesus, he completely restored our friendship with him. What he commands us to do is nothing he has not done himself. We are called to befriend others as he has befriended us. The gospel makes friendship really possible in a post-pandemic world sinking further into epidemic of loneliness. We can be the kind of friends that reap the rewards of friendship described in Proverbs as we lay down our lives to listen, care for, encourage, and bear the burdens of others.

REFLECT OR DISCUSS

1. Which proverb in this lesson resonates the most with you and why?

2. How has the “loneliness epidemic” impacted you? What are some ways you have come to handle loneliness in your life and invest in friendships despite the busyness of life?

3. Do you agree with Saint Augustine that friendship is as essential to life as life itself? What does this say about our human nature?

4. How is a friendship relationship different than a family relationship? How do you handle adversity with your friends compared to your family members?

5. In what ways can we move beyond friendship only with those who agree with us? How does Jesus’ friendship with tax collectors and sinners motivate us to make friends with those who disagree with us?

6. How is “with-ness” better than self-counsel? What is the importance of developing wisdom in and for community rather than in isolation? Are you ever tempted toward isolation?

7. Why is it difficult to force a friendship? Can you think of a time where a friendship came naturally? How do we discover friendship without forcing it?

8. How can Jesus’ friendship with us be a resource to our friendships with others? What about the gospel brings a different perspective to friendship?

9. Do you find it challenging that Jesus says we are his friends if we do what he commands us? What does he mean by this?

10. Share a story of a friendship that means a lot to you. What are the qualities that make it so meaningful?

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Wisdom for Handling Anger (October 17th, 2021)

Introduction: We have more access to information and knowledge than ever before, but we are still so confused, conflicted, and divided. What must we do? The book of Proverbs teaches us that wisdom is the missing piece of the puzzle, the lost treasure of our time. We must rediscover it, ourselves and as a church, if we are to stand firm in a world drowning in information but lacking in wisdom. This Fall, let’s come together to “get wisdom” and allow it to reorient our lives, our families, and our communities. 

Digging Deeper | During our study in the book of Proverbs, we have considered the wisdom of how to approach relationships and communication. We have learned that wisdom calls us to navigate conflicts in our relationships with patient love and to evaluate the weight of our words in every context. But there is more. God calls us to wisdom in our words and actions, but also at the source of where these things come from – our emotions. There is something beneath many of our relational conflicts that make them much more difficult to process, and that is our anger. Many of us are aware of the angry culture we live in. We are hard-pressed to get far into the news or social media without running headlong into some kind of “outrage.” Proverbs gives us wisdom for how to handle our anger.  

1. Admit that You Have It

• Prov 29:11 - “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person holds it in check.”

• Prov 14:29 - “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.”

The first step in getting wisdom for anger is to admit that we experience it. We might say we are only “frustrated, ”annoyed,” or “irritated,” but we know that these are varying degrees of anger. Certainly, these terms are helpful, but not if we use them to shy away from the fact that we are angry, and we are tempted to do just that. The presence of anger is not wrong or sinful; it is the mishandling of anger that is wrong or sinful. Nowhere in the book of Proverbs do we find any instruction not to be angry or that anger belongs to the fool and not to the wise. Rather, it is the fool who gives full vent to anger and becomes controlled by it. The wise person experiences anger but exhibits control over it. The wise experience anger because anger is an important emotion and a powerful indicator of something wrong. There is a lot of wrong in the world, and even the wise have a right to be angry. Their anger is not hasty like the fool, nor is their goal to rid themselves of anger altogether, but of developing a character over time that is “slow to anger.”

2. Be Aware of its Potency

• Prov 29:22 - “An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.”

• Prov 21:19 - “Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife.”

• Prov 14:17 - “A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and the one who devises evil schemes is hated.”

Anger has the power to stir us up toward good things or take us down a path of destruction. How can this be? Anger can stir up further conflict in our relationships and explode into many other sins. One commentator describes anger as a gateway drug to sin. 29:22 highlights this reality, and many of us can relate to a time in which we have witnessed anger take us or someone we know down an entirely different direction we would ever intend to go. The potency of anger is more than the ability to explode; it has a more subtle power to make us into unbearable people. 21:19 draws attention to the danger of allowing our homes to become places of continual anger and strife. A wife is mentioned specifically, but we know that men are equally, if not more, prone to a hot-tempered nature. 14:17 speaks to the foolish things of which we are capable when we are angry. Anger has the power to take over our minds and cloud our judgment. Plans motivated by anger are called “evil schemes.” That might sound extreme to us, but consider the last time you were angry. Did you come up with a wise and loving plan of action? Did you feel the rush to act impulsively? We should not be surprised because anger is not always concerned with a wise course of action as much as deliberate action.

3. Avoid it in Others when Possible

• Prov 19:19 - “A person with intense anger bears the penalty; if you rescue him, you'll have to do it again.”

• 22:24-25 - “Don't make friends with an angry person, and don't be a companion of a hot-tempered one, or you will learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.”

• 29:8 - “Mockers inflame a city, but the wise turn away anger.”

Proverbs warns us - we can be drawn in by the anger of others. 19:19 alludes to a cycle of anger that captures not only the angry person but also the rescuer. 22:24-25 says if we surround ourselves with angry people, we will learn their ways and entangle ourselves. This is not to say that it is wise to evade people, but it is wise to slow down our anger to channel it for good. 29:8 reminds us that anger intensifies in droves. Consider the speed and intensity of anger when something outrageous captures attention in the news or social media. The wise person considers acting in ways to turn away anger in others rather than inciting it. 

4. Ask it, “Why?”

• Prov 29:11 - “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person holds it in check.”

The main contrast between wisdom and folly in relation to anger has to do with the speed and intensity of our anger. The wise are called to be “slow to anger” in a way that reflects God’s character. One of the most important ways we can slow down anger is to explore it by questioning it. We should not automatically trust our anger because we know how easily it can trap us or lead us into various sins. We see this in the Scriptures when God confronts two angry people: Cain and Jonah. In both cases, God asks them, “why are you angry?” Anger often reveals what matters most to us, which is typically what we are desperate to have or control instead of entrusting to God. What we are most angry about will reveal to us what we most love and value. Is it the other person’s good? The righteous cause? Or is it our own pride, ego and reputation. Is it our own comfort and preferences? Rarely is our anger motivated by pure desires for God’s glory and another’s good. In addition, anger is often considered “a secondary emotion” because we of how we use it to avoid more painful feelings like grief, fear, or loneliness. When we slow down anger, we attempt to explore our motives and reasons for anger before responding to the person or situation. With all these factors in mind, we can see why James says “human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness”. Human anger alone cannot make things right – we must move “through” our anger to love. How does that happen?

5. Allow it to Lead you to Jesus

• Prov 19:11 - “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

• Prov 10:12 - “Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses.”

The book of Proverbs is unique in its description of “slow to anger.” Every other book of the Old Testament in which we find this term applies it to God Himself. Proverbs tells us this is how we should handle our anger too. Our God is not without anger because our world is not without sin. All but one instance in the Bible that describes God as slow to anger also mentions his abounding in steadfast love. God’s love does not oppose his anger. It’s anger that moves his love into action. He can answer offenses gently, turn away wrath and right the wrongs done to him. We can learn to do this same. 

When we experience anger we have three options: ignore it and let it grow, give full vent to it and let it stir up more, or consider it and allow it to lead us back to God, who answered anger perfectly. 

God answered anger in this, “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom 5:8). The wisdom of God is that he answered anger in a way that turned away wrath; He destroyed the sin but not the sinner. 19:11 and 10:12 give us small glimpses of what God has done for us. He has overlooked our sins through the work of Christ and has covered our offenses with his blood. God absorbed the anger of the offenses in order to love the offenders. God is gentle and kind, and it is his kindness that leads us to repentance. If we desire to be like Him, then we must repent for how we have mishandled our anger, and we must follow the example of our God found in the wisdom of Christ. Jesus is the gentle answer to “outrage” culture, and he is the best guide for our angry hearts. We are challenged by the words of Thomas à Kempis: “Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” Perhaps we should be as gracious to others in our anger to the extent that we are aware of our own need for grace. 

Reflect or Discuss

1. Which proverb in this lesson resonates the most with you and why?

2. How might anger lie beneath the surface of our words, actions, and behaviors? Can you describe a time in which you were able to identify the source of your anger before it got out of hand? 

3. The Washington Post mentioned that we are living in a giant “anger incubator.” In what ways have you witnessed this to be true? Why do you think anger is so prevalent in our culture? 

4. In what ways does anger alarm us to something wrong we might need to pay attention to within ourselves? Why are we tempted to downplay our anger? Why are we tempted to say “all anger is wrong”? 

5. How can anger be a “gateway drug” to other sins or lead us into a trap that involves others? In what ways can anger be a potent force for good?

6. Read James 1:19-20. What is the relation between listening, speaking, and anger? Why is it so difficult to slow down our anger? What are some practical ways to do this?

7. What are you more tempted to do when you are angry: deny it, hide it, or vent it? How can your anger lead you to God?

8. How does the way in which God handles his anger in the gospel good news? What does the cross teach us about the need to answer anger (not ignore it)? What does the cross teach us about gently answering anger in a way the turns away wrath?  

9. In what setting/situation are you most in need of your anger being “gentled” by the gospel? What might this look like? 

Final thought - The gospel tells us God, in his infinite wisdom, found a way to destroy the offenses we have committed against him without destroying (the offenders). The heat of his anger destroyed our sin without destroying us. Jesus absorbed the heat so we could be saved. How does this help us absorb the heat of our anger in the moment when it rises up to destroy?

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Wisdom For Talking About People (October 10th, 2021)

Introduction: We have more access to information and knowledge than ever before, but we are still so confused, conflicted, and divided. What must we do? The book of Proverbs teaches us that wisdom is the missing piece of the puzzle, the lost treasure of our time. We must rediscover it, ourselves and as a church, if we are to stand firm in a world drowning in information but lacking in wisdom. This Fall, let’s come together to “get wisdom” and allow it to reorient our lives, our families, and our communities. 

I. How We Talk to People

According to Proverbs, the one area of life that reveals our wisdom or our folly more than any other is our relationships with people. Proverbs has much to say about relationships, especially how we should use our words. Proverbs give us wisdom for how we talk to people and for how we talk about people when they are not around. Our words about people can be destructive and toxic if we are not careful. This is especially true in our current cultural climate. Proverbs offers four key aspects of God’s wisdom for talking about people:

What is at Stake?

• Prov 22:1 - “A good name is to be chosen over great wealth; favor is better than silver and gold.”

We must first consider what is at stake anytime we talk about another person. Consider your name. Your name is your reputation, a part of you that exists in other peoples’ minds. What is your name worth to you? This proverb teaches us that a good name is more valuable than money. That is why many of us go to great lengths to honor our words, commitments, and core beliefs. But Proverbs also teaches us that we don’t have all the power regarding our names. Other people can uphold or discredit your name, and you have that power when you speak about others. Every time you take someone’s name on your lips, you are holding up something precious to another person. The stakes are very high. 

When it Does Great Damage

• Prov 11:9 - “With his mouth the ungodly destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous are rescued.”

The next piece of wisdom we consider in Proverbs is knowing how talking about people can cause great damage. Even if we don’t realize it, we can shatter people’s names by using our mouths. How can that be? It when are talking about other people is gossip, slander, or bearing false witness. Let’s consider each one in turn. 

Gossip:

• Prov 11:13 - “A gossip goes around revealing a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence.”

• Prov 20:19 - “The one who reveals secrets is a constant gossip; avoid someone with a big mouth.”

• Prov 16:28 - “A contrary person spreads conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”

• Prov 26:20 - “Without wood, fire goes out; without a gossip, conflict dies down.”

In broad terms, gossip is speaking about someone in a negative light to another person. One scholar defines it as “speaking to third parties about a person with the intention of harm, not help.” As we see in 11:13 and 20:19, gossip shares something secret that should be kept in confidence. The point in 16:28 and 26:20 is that gossip can spread like a fire and cause great harm. Collectively, these proverbs show that gossip betrays trust, spreads conflict, and separates friends. 

Slander:

• Prov 10:18 - “The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.”

Slander is speaking untruthfully of someone else with harmful intent. This includes half-truths, innuendos, or exaggerations. When we speak in this way, we are concealing something within us related to anger or hatred. As we can see, when we don’t speak to someone about our hurt feeling directly, it often comes out in “lying” about them to others – damaging their name. 

False Witness:

• Prov 25:17 - “Whoever speaks the truth declares what is right, but a false witness speaks deceit.”

• Prov 17:4 - “A wicked person listens to malicious talk; a liar pays attention to a destructive tongue.”

Both gossip and slander can be forms of bearing false witness because it is very difficult to give an accurate picture of someone else. There is an important place for speaking a hard truth about others, but never a place to present a false picture of someone else deliberately. Speaking this way violates the 9th commandment and our love for our neighbor. Not only can speaking this way damage people but listening to it can do just as much damage. The choice to listen is condemned alongside speaking falsely. It is like watching a fire spread and doing nothing about it.

Why do we do it? The answer might be unsettling, but we do it because it makes us feel better about ourselves. In fact, Proverbs compares it to something we all love.

• Prov 18:8 and 26:22 - “A gossip’s words are like choice food that goes down to one’s innermost being.”

Not only does it taste good, but gossip can go deeper than we might think. This is a clear warning that it will not be easy to reverse course once we partake in a little gossip, slander, or false witness. One gossip “gets in” it can permanently shape the way we see another person for the worse. 

3. When it Does Great Good

Indeed speaking about others can deeply wound us and those we talk about, but we can also speak in a way that spreads love, justice, and blessing. Whenever we speak, we have the potential to uplift others and change the world for the better.

• Prov 31:8-9 - “Speak up for those who have no voice, for the justice of all who are dispossessed. Speak up, judge righteously, and defend the cause of the oppressed and needy.”

• Prov 11:11 - “A city is built up by the blessing of the upright, but it is torn down by the mouth of the wicked.”

These proverbs connect the concept of speaking about others to righteousness and building community. In speaking about others, we can further the cause of justice or truly help someone in need. The concept of blessing in view here is a spoken blessing. A spoken blessing can build up an entire community where gossip, slander, or false witness would destroy it. 

4. What it Reveals About Us

• Prov 11:12 - “Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.”

This proverb helps us get to the root of the problem in talking about others. In this proverb, “lack sense” literally means “lacks heart,” so we could say that someone who gossips, slanders, or bears false witness about someone else has a heart problem. It should alarm us because a true Christian should never lack a heart for others names. This is why James is so vociferous about taming the tongue. “With the tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in God’s likeness. Blessing and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers and sisters, these things should not be this way. Does a spring pour out sweet and bitter water from the same opening? (Jas 3:9-11). Our words reveal what is inside our hearts, and what it reveals is that we want to build ourselves up at the expense of others. 

II. How Jesus Talks About Us

What has been revealed about us cannot be overcome by sheer willpower. We need something much stronger. Only the gospel has the power to change what is inside of us so that we no longer need what gossip gives us. Christianity does not deny that there is something worthy of cursing and judgment in every person. It doesn’t give us a self-help narrative that tells us there’s nothing bad to say about us. No – we are told the hard truth. Our sin and selfishness is called out for what it is. Yet we are told at the same time - Jesus knows everything about your name worthy of cursing and he chose to take it all upon his own name for you. 

We might forget that others gossiped, slandered, and lied about Jesus during his entire earthly ministry. He was called insane, demonic, the devil himself, and a liar. He was even slandered as he was being crucified. They lied about him to kill him. Why? Jesus allowed his own name to be defiled to clear our own names. Despite our unworthiness, we are greatly loved, valued, and approved by him forever. Think about what Jesus is doing right now? He is talking about you, not with words of shame or derision or judgment or criticism, but with words of love, blessing, honor and approval. This present ministry of Jesus is called intercession. It means Jesus is speaking for us, He forever lives and pleads for you as your constant advocate in heaven.  

If you truly understand how Jesus talks about you, you’d never want to gossip or slander ever again. This means on the internet too. How we talk about people sets patterns in our lives, relationships, and communities. When we speak about others, we should always aim to present them as clearly as if they were present. Amid the never-ending culture wars, the work of Christ invites us into a new competition: We should outdo one another in showing honor (Rom 12:10). 

Reflect or Discuss

1. What about this sermon most impacted you or left you with questions?

2. Why do we value our names so much? How do you want others to treat your name, and what does that say about you? What would it mean for you to treat someone’s name like a rare and valuable artifact that you would never want to drop? 

3. How can we tell if we are prone to gossip? Why do you think we so enjoy speaking and listening to gossip about other people? 

4. Do you agree that there we have a serious cultural problem with slander and bearing false witness (ie speaking about them in anything less than wholly truthful)? What do we get from talking about other people like this. 

5. Review the Proverbs under “When It Does Great Good”. Have you seen these Proverbs play out in your life? How so? 

6. Read James 3:6-12. What is James’ saying about what our words reveal about us? 

7. It was said, “When we understand and believe the gospel, we no longer need what gossip gives us”. What does this look like when we are tempted to soothe our insecurity by gossip or slander? 

8. What does it mean that Jesus is currently interceding for you? If Jesus is our Advocate (1 John 2:1-2), what does the mean about how he is talking about us? Based on Scripture, what might he be saying about you? 

9. What does Paul mean by “outdoing one another” with honor? How does this counteract our tendency to dishonor others with whom we disagree?

How might this set of reflection questions help prevent us from doing damage to others by how we talk about them:

• Would we say this about someone if that person were here? 

• Does sharing this particular point help me love the person I am speaking about more? 

• Do I have enough knowledge of the situation to present an accurate picture? 

• Is this something I would want to be said about me?

Click here for the full pdf version.

Click here to watch the sermon on YouTube.

Wisdom for Talking to People (October 3rd, 2021)

Introduction: We have more access to information and knowledge than ever before, but we are still so confused, conflicted, and divided. What must we do? The book of Proverbs teaches us that wisdom is the missing piece of the puzzle, the lost treasure of our time. We must rediscover it, ourselves and as a church, if we are to stand firm in a world drowning in information but lacking in wisdom. 

The Importance of Words | Of all the ways the book of Proverbs instructs us in wisdom, the use of words is one of the most frequent topics. This makes sense if you think about how often we use words. Words are a part of almost everything we do! We use words to connect with others, convey meaning, and bring our ideas into reality. Our words impact the closeness of our relationships and the quality of our work. This is all a part of how we image God. For God created all things by His Word and relates to us through His Word. This is why Proverbs teaches that how we use our words is one of the most important pieces of wisdom we can get.

I. How We Talk to People

1. The Power of Our Words 

• Prov 18:21 - “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

The first mark of wisdom in our words is to recognize the weight they carry. On the one hand, words can spark violence, inflame anger, or lead to great injustice. This Proverb speaks not only of physical death but of relational death. The deadly tongue destroys community and its owner. On the other hand, words can resolve conflict, bring peace, and restore life. The life-giving tongue creates community and blesses its owner. One thing is for sure - you will eat the fruit of your tongue. 

• Prov 20:15 - “There is gold and a multitude of jewels, but knowledgeable lips are a rare treasure.”

If you were to find a rare treasure, you would become very powerful. People would suddenly desire to listen to you and get to know you. But this Proverb shows that there is a rare treasure already within our reach. That treasure is possessing “knowledgeable lips” ie knowing how to talk to people. This means as much as we pursue education and career, we should pursue the wisdom of how to talk to people with even more vigor and determination. 

This message is not reserved for therapists, counselors, or pastors but for every Christian. How are you using the power of your tongue? The book of James has a challenging warning for us. “If anyone thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, his religion is useless and he deceives himself” (Jas 1:26). It is clear here that if one cannot control their tongue, then we can ask whether the same tongue has truly confessed Jesus as Lord. Understanding and rightly using the power of our words is at the very heart of what it means to be a Christian. 

2. The Peril of Our Words

The truth is just a few untimely words have the power to destroy your reputation, your career, and even your closest relationships. Wisdom understands the peril of talking to people and thus treats words with great care and caution. Let’s consider some proverbs. 

• Prov 10:19 - “When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is prudent.”

• Prov 10:21 - “ The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of sense.”

• Prov 13:3 - “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.”

These proverbs taken together teach that sin, ruin, and death can come from the words we speak. First, notice the connection between “many words” and “sin.” Sin is already unavoidable, but the harmful impact of words can multiply if we lose control. Second, notice that to speak without care can lead to ruin. This is the fate of the fool who lacks “sense.” In contemporary culture, we have come to a place where anyone can speak their mind, and many think it is entirely acceptable to do so without any concern for others. Proverbs says this type of behavior will lead individuals and communities to ruin. As Christians, we are to take great care in the words we speak and the words we post (even those in the comments sections!). 

• Prov 12:18 - “There is one who speaks rashly, like a piercing sword; but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Proverbs gives us a key insight as to why the way we speak carries so much peril. Words can pierce us like a sword. Words get inside of us. They have the power to puncture us to the core and leave an indelible mark on the soul. For many of us, we could share words that have left us scarred inside. We can be trapped today by words spoken years ago, constantly striving to prove them wrong. Words left unspoken can do just as much damage. How many people in our world are in despair because someone near to them did not say, “I love you.”? The peril of our words is great.

3. The Potential of Our Words
Indeed, words can pierce us and break our spirit, but they can also dig deep and sprout life and healing. We should be encouraged that whenever we speak to people, there is great potential for true goodness. Let’s consider some proverbs.

• Prov 15:4 - “The tongue that heals is a tree of life, but a devious tongue breaks the spirit.”

Only three books in the entire Bible mention the “tree of life.” The first reference is in Genesis as the symbol of life as God intended. Another reference is in Revelation, where we see it in the new creation restoring life to the redeemed. The book of Proverbs says between these two realities the tree of life can be found in our very words. We can give other people a taste of the blessing, life and goodness God created us to know simply by how we talk to them! Here are a few examples that drive this home:

• Prov 16:24 - “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

• Prov 10:11 - “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.”

• Prov 12:25 - “Anxiety in a person’s heart weighs it down, but a good word cheers it up.”

These proverbs show that just a few encouraging words can reach into a person and bring healing to the soul. Words are one of the most powerful forces of good, and we all have access to it. Perhaps you remember a warm compliment or an encouragement from someone that made your day. Isn’t it sweet, like a honeycomb? Could it not be enjoyed over and over like a fountain of life? Words can even travel into the depths of anxiety and despair to rescue weary souls. Of course, it is not a magical cure for all anxiety, but it can get inside a person and lift the burden. Because of the amazing potential for good that can come through our words, the follower of Jesus must be committed to learning this wisdom. 

II. How God Talks to Us

• Prov 16:23 - “The heart of a wise person instructs his mouth; it adds learning to his speech.”

• Prov 10:20 - “The tongue of the righteous is pure silver; the heart of the wicked is of little value.”

From where do our words come? Sometimes we wonder that about our own words when we speak rashly or out of context. These proverbs reveal that our words come from our hearts. In the Bible, the heart is the core of our being. It is where thinking, feeling, and choosing all converge. If you have problems with harsh words, there likely are wounds that feel just as harsh in your heart. If you struggle to speak encouragement and blessing, there is likely discouragement residing in your heart. If you are hasty with your words, you almost surely have anxiety filling your heart. 

Jesus was probably thinking about the Proverbs when he said, “A good person produces good out of the good stored up in his heart. An evil person produces evil out of the evil stored up in his heart, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.” (Lk 6:45). The heart is like a storehouse. The Bible teaches that we cannot fill our storehouse with life-giving words in ourselves. It must be filled from outside of us. Imagine if the greatest person in any defining role you have in life came up to you and shared with you how amazing you are at that particular role. Wouldn’t you feel great? It would stick with you and push out of your mind anything to the contrary.  

The one thing that has the power to fill up the storeroom of our hearts and push out everything else is how God talks to us. The greatest, most glorious, wise, and all-knowing being in the universe speaks into our very soul through his son Jesus Christ. And what does He say? Oh, Christian, God speaks not of condemnation to you but of everlasting love and acceptance. He tells you that, in Christ, your life matters and that you are His beloved son or daughter born not of flesh and blood but by His gracious will. Jesus tells you that your life matters so much to him, He was willing to give up his life for yours. Will you let that sink into your heart today? Let this truth fill your heart and allow you to speak wisdom and life to those around you.

Reflect or Discuss

1. What about this sermon most impacted you or left you with questions?

2. Do you have an example from your own life of the “life and death” power of words? Why are words so powerful (ie why is that  words get your fired, break a relationship, incite violence) 

3. How would you describe your current approach to learning the wisdom of how to talk to people? 

4. How James’ teaching on the power of the tongue (James 1:26) strike you? Where do you feel you have rein over your tongue? Where does your tongue have rein over you?

5. What words spoken to you have gotten inside you? How do these words impact you and your relationships today?

6. Can you think of a specific encouraging word that uplifted you? Who was it that shared these words with you? How did it impact your circumstances?

7. Out of all the proverbs in this lesson, which one resonates with you the most and why?

8. How do our words reveal our what’s in the “storeroom” of our hearts? How do our words reveal what our hearts most treasure (another way to translation “storeroom”)? What do your words reveal about what is filling up your storeroom?

Here’s another way to think about this – Jesus is saying our words reveal our hearts treasure. If we treasure money, we will speak words of flattery or deceit to get it. If we treasure approval, we will speak kind but not always honest words to get it. If we treasure success, we will speak respectfully to those who can give it to us and down to those who are in our way. If we treasure control, we’ll speak words to manipulate and control others. If we treasure Jesus, we’ll speak so that we can “get more of Him” by others getting more of Him into their lives. How does this help you diagnose your own struggles with words? 

1. If you had one sentence to describe what God is saying to us in Jesus Christ – what would it be? What would it look like if this filled your heart more than any other words?

BONUS REFLECTION | Learning to Bless with Our Words

Prov 10:32 - “The lips of the righteous know what is appropriate, but the mouth of the wicked, only what is perverse.”

This proverb calls attention to what we say. The wise person pays attention to the setting and the person involved to determine what is appropriate. This will depend on the person, but in any situation, it will likely take some time to step back learn about them before knowing what to say.

• Prov 15:23 - “A person takes joy in giving an answer; and a timely word—how good that is!”

• Prov 18:13 - “The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness and disgrace for him.”

These proverbs point beyond what we say to when we should say it. There is nothing more precious than the right word at just the right time. It can change someone’s entire life. By contrast, if you are just waiting for someone to finish speaking so you can speak, then you might be trying to answer before listening. The proverbs equate this attitude with foolishness. 

• Prov 15:1 - “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.”

This proverb brings us beyond the words we use to how we say them. It might be shocking to think that the exact words spoken with a different expression could be the difference between encouragement and division. Yet, we all know this is true for us if we consider the sarcasm of a family member or friend. The wise person considers how to speak into someone’s life just as much as what to say. When in doubt, consider the fruit of gentleness. 

Many Proverbs also point us to consider why we say them. Larry Crabb, in his book Encouragement, offers this insight on the “why” behind our words. “Never speak hard words to someone unless your love for that person has formed a vision for who that person could become, a vision that generates tender feelings for the other. And never speak hard words if you discern that you are demanding a change in another for your sake.”

REFLECTION

• Which of these do you feel like you most need to learn?

• Why do you think it’s hard for you to do this? 

• How can you practice learning this aspect of how to talk to people this week?

Click here for the full pdf version.

Click here to watch the sermon on YouTube.

Wisdom for Repairing Relationships (September 26, 2021)

Introduction: We have more access to information and knowledge than ever before, but we are more confused, conflicted, and divided than ever. What should we do? The book of Proverbs teaches us that wisdom is the missing piece of the puzzle, the lost treasure of our time. We must rediscover it, ourselves and as a church, if we are to stand firm in a world drowning in information but lacking in wisdom. This Fall, let’s come together to “get wisdom” and allow it to reorient our lives, our families, and our communities. 

A Helpful Analogy | Relationships are like a house. We all know that every house requires regular maintenance and occasionally larger repairs. We might need to fix a lightbulb or a leaky faucet. Other times we may have to fix the plumbing, electricity, or (God forbid) the entire foundation! Similar to a house, relationships can require maintenance or repairs that range from simple to complex. If we ventured to explore our relationships, we are bound to find some in need of attention. Some might even require a renovation. Lest we become overwhelmed by taking these projects upon ourselves, we remember that God graciously gives wisdom to those who ask Him. There is hope for us because God gives us wisdom in the Proverbs for maintenance and repair in all kinds of relationships. 

1. Get God’s Perspective on Conflict

Before we delve into any of our relationships, we need to begin with God’s perspective on conflict in the book of Proverbs. We can summarize it like this: conflict is inevitable. It can be potentially destructive or powerfully constructive. It can break relationships and do great harm, or it can build stronger relationships and build maturity in us. Wisdom makes all the difference. Let’s dig into some Proverbs.

• Proverbs 20:3 - “Honor belongs to the person who ends a dispute, but any fool can get himself into a quarrel.”

Anyone can get into a conflict, but not everyone can end a conflict well. This proverb shows us that a person with the wisdom to end a conflict well deserves honor. It is tempting to think that we will protect our honor by winning the conflict, but wisdom is learning that there is more honor to resolving a conflict, even at our expense. 

• Proverbs 17:14 - “To start a conflict is to release a flood; stop the dispute before it breaks out.”

We all know that conflict is potentially destructive, but the image of a flood in this proverb drives home the gravity of the destruction. Not only can a flood destroy everything in its path, but once it starts, it cannot be controlled. We would do well to fix the leak before it becomes a flood!

• Proverbs 16:7 - “When a person’s ways please the LORD, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”

Conflict can also be powerfully constructive. The person who walks in God’s wisdom can bring about peace in the midst of a conflict. Not only is peace is beneficial to the people involved in a conflict, but entire communities. The effect is to multiply one person whose ways please the Lord into many people who please the Lord.

If we look around in our world we might notice that so much of our discourse is designed to make enemies. We make other people into our enemies and then we try to convince others to intensify the conflict. However, in the Proverbs we can see that conflict is an opportunity to glorify God, serve people, and grow in wisdom. This is God’s perspective.

2. What Not to Conceal

Don’t conceal your part in the conflict.

• Prov 15:31 - “One who listens to life-giving rebukes will be at home among the wise.”

• Prov 28:13 - “The one who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy.”

• Prov 29:1 - “He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing.”

These proverbs reveal a clear link between wisdom and openness to correction. Of course, we do not relish the opportunity to be corrected or rebuked, but the wise person can listen well and receive another’s words, even if they reveal our sins. The first step of relationship repair is not concealing our sins. The most common temptation in a conflict is to hide our part in the conflict. Sometimes even when we know we are wrong, we attempt to magnify the blame of the other person. This behavior will destroy our relationships and our own character if we do not confess and seek mercy. 

Don’t conceal when we feel wronged/hurt by another person.

• Prov 10:18 - “The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.”

• Prov 24:26 - “He who gives an honest answer gives a kiss on the lips.”

• Prov 15:1 - “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.”

These proverbs reveal that our honesty is compromised if we choose to hide when someone has truly wronged us. When we feel this way, it impacts the relationship and can be unloving to let it slide. Sometimes, to confront another knowing that it could wound is to display love. When we are honest, it allows the other person to express clarity and possibly confession, which is an opportunity for their growth. But honesty goes hand in hand with gentleness. It isn’t just about what we say, but how we say it. 

3. What to Conceal

Conceal when you are not invested in the repair.

• Prov 26:17 - “A person who is passing by and meddles in a quarrel that’s not his is like one who grabs a dog by the ears.”

One of the realities of the information age is that we are exposed to a lot of quarrels. Could you even count how many you see on news sites, social media comment sections, or personal posts? It is wise not to jump at the bit to get involved in every conflict, even if it is about something dear to us. Grabbing a dog by the ears would certainly lead to getting bitten. We are wise not to jump into a conflict without being sincerely invested in the peace of those affected by it. Ask yourself if you are responding to bring repair before you press enter.

Conceal when the offense can be patiently overlooked.

• Prov 19:11 - “A person’s insight gives him patience, and his virtue is to overlook an offense.”

• Prov 17:9 - “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.”

It is wise to reveal when we have been truly hurt in a conflict, but that does not mean addressing every offense against us. Wisdom knows when to overlook an offense that might not contribute to the repairing of a relationship. This involves not disclosing excessive details to others who are not invested in the relationship. Handling a conflict wisely means bringing people into the conflict who can help repair it. 

4. How to Cover

Until now, Proverbs has revealed what seems like a very difficult path for the wise person. We are called to confess and not conceal our sins. We must confront others with the utmost honesty and gentleness. Sometimes that means overlooking when we have been wronged. How can this be possible?

• Prov 10:12 - “Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses.”

It is only when we stop stirring up the conflict that we can perceive the next part. Conflicts are only truly repaired when offenses are covered. One commentator compares it to putting a wet blanket on a fire. So “cover” means to put out completely. The same Hebrew word is used in Psalm 32:1 - “Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.” When God sees us, he does not see our sins because they are covered. In Christ, our sins are absolutely and completely covered. 

Of course, this does not mean we pretend the conflict never happened. In this way, covering looks like forgiveness. When we see a person we were in conflict with, do we still see what they owe us? Do we look at them and only see the cause of the conflict that still festers in our minds? A relationship is truly repaired when we see them and not their offense. Covering is love saying, “I’ll pay the cost.” It absorbs the pain, the hurt, and the debt caused by the conflict. 

The wisdom we read in the Proverbs derives from God’s character displayed in redemptive history. The entire Bible describes how God repaired our broken relationship with Him. God handled our offenses by covering at a great cost to Himself. This is the wisdom embodied in Jesus Christ, our Savior, who reconciled the world to Himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. When we read the Proverbs, we are reading the wisdom of God for us, and it is for us in a way that we can use to bring repair to even our most difficult relationships.  

Reflect or Discuss

1. What about this sermon most impacted you or left you with questions?

2. Can you describe some examples that illustrate the difference between regular maintenance and large repairs in your everyday relationships? 

3. What elements of God’s perspective on conflict resonate with you? How can we come to see conflict as an opportunity? How is this most difficult for you?

4. How are you more tempted to conceal your part in a conflict that caused pain or someone else’s part that left you in pain? 

5. What does it look like to show honesty and gentleness in confronting someone who has hurt us? 

6. Have you recently engaged in a conflict you were not interested in repairing? Why is this so enticing? Was it worth the time an energy you put into it?

7. When is it acceptable to overlook an offense? Have you ever overlooked a grave offense toward you?

8. Can you remember a time that you intentionally stirred up a conflict? What were your motives at the time?

9. How can we find the strength to cover an offense? How does covering relate to love and forgiveness?

10. What does God’s willingness to cover your sins and repair our relationship with Him through Christ impact you personally? How should it influence the way you treat other relationships you have?

Click here to download the full pdf version.

Click here to watch the sermon on YouTube.